Dreams

(15th August 2009, about 3am)

What was it?
Kick to the past? Wake to the future?
Left me feeling stuck back there,
Back where times are rough and hard,
Danger everywhere,
But he is there in it,
Somewhere.

For the danger is him, through him.
Awakens old fears,
Old enemies,
Pulls back the cover,
Opens old wounds,
Rears up its ugly head,
Reminds me of how it was,
Because of this day.

He will never be well,
I'm certain of it,
Always will be with this,
In his head.
From now and forever,
Won't go away,
Refuses to die.

What did I do ever?
To deserve this.
Can't get it right,
Even a defective boy,
Jeez that old life,
Must've been bad,
And hard,
Full of woes and torment,
And bad things.
Here it is now,
All come here, come back,
To haunt me,
Like a spectre,
A dead ghost,
Never leaving me,
I can't shake it,
From my head, from my mind.

Moving on,
Has to be despite this.
But how?
How to get it right? To be better,
How to heal such pain?

Here I am now,
So full of pain and sorrow,
And regret.
Just sitting here sitting, writing,
Going nowhere,
Writing all and writing nothing,
Just to try,
Try get this out of my head.

But I'll die first,
Before that's done,
I feel it.